How freshmen can ruin in your day in just a few easy steps

Ladies and gentlemen, I am back! There are two things that have encouraged me to return to the blogosphere. The first is that I am spending my afternoon at Busboys and Poets in Shirlington. If http://www.busboysandpoets.com can't inpsire you to blog, I don't know what can. The second motiviation is grading freshman reader responses on independent reading projects. This is why you get the following rant.
--
Freshmen are very good at a few specific things. I will list them below for your reading pleasure. (And please do not hesitate to comment on anything I may have missed!)

1. Saying really dumb things.
Just when you think that things can't get worse, a freshman will say something that takes your life to another circle of hell. And while it is predictable that a freshman will say or do whatever is the least appropriate thing to do, you can NEVER predict what that comment/action will be. It is likely to be something that is only tangentially related to the topic of discussion (if it is related at all).

2. Ignoring instructions.
You know what is fun to read? An essay written in 10 point Comic Sans with quadruple spacing. Or how about an essay that is double spaced (meaning that they write two lines and then randomly hit enter). Or maybe an incoherent essay about how their life is similar to the lives of the characters in Native Son because we are all greedy and would hide a dead person's body to hide a murder we committed. This obviously makes the characters in the novel realistic.

3. Practicing Cultural Imperialism. Or being really self-involved. Or both.
Yes, I taught my freshmen this term. And we had a great conversation about it. And then I read an essay about Everything is Illuminated in which the student mocks the names of the characters because why would a parent ever name their children something stupid like Yankel D. Didl or Bitzl Bitzl . Um, jerk, that is Yiddish. And you do realize your teacher is Jewish? And you do realize you are a first generation American. Jose is the same as Joseph last time I checked.

I must mention, before I attempt to grade senior Double Entry Journals (which may inspire a similar blog post later), that freshmen are really good for a few things also.

1. Making fun of.
Often, my humor (both sarcastic and intelligent) goes over their heads and it allows me to have a little chuckle bcause they have no idea that I have just made fun of them.

2. Breeding mini-mes.
Some freshmen are so awesome and adore me so much that I spawn mini-mes that follow me throughout their high school experience. They attempt to get into any of the classes I teach and sometimes even dress like me or pick up the same interests as me. This either makes me feel very cool or a little bit like I am in a remake of Desperately Seeking Susan. Mainly just cool. (By the way, how lame am I? I think it is cool that high schoolers worship me. I REALLY need a life.)

3. Making me feel accomplished.
Every now and then I am able to take a student who comes into my class as a train wreck and mold them into someone who is prepared for the future and enjoys the study of literature and the English language. Those are the moments that make teaching and all that I must deal with worthwhile. (Ok, stop gagging. That's about the most compassionate and mushy-gushy I ever get. So deal with it.)